My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
