You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
