Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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