I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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