i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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