i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
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That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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