his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
even my farts smell like vagina
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
