If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
