I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
