if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
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Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
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You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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