Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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