I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
