You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
