i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
