I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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