i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
