I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
