ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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