I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
