I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
