i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
