You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize