Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
