Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Randomize
