Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
