We named our party play list daddy issues
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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