Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
