Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
