I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
