I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
