so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So vagazzling was a success
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
