if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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