Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
