my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Go christen that room with your naked body.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
