im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
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Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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