Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
