o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
