We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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