Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
