Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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