I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
