from now on my penis is your penis
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
