how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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