The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
