dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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