John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
