During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
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I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
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When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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