Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
