I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
