Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Randomize
