i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
