I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I believe in your delicious
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
