my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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