I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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