my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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