I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
