I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
