dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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