I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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