Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
