i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
