She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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