I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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