I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
